I have a friend who wrote a couple of novels about women. I see her main characters as based on herself somewhat. The Jennifer Hudson video below reminds me so much of both the characters in the book and of my friend, herself. There were times as the video progressed that I forgot I was watching Jennifer Hudson and felt like I was watching my friend instead. Thanks for including it on this page.

At my age, I haven't missed much. I'd love to sleep all day.

If God knew what he was doing when he made us, don't you think our imperfection must be part of the plan? Oh well, no matter what anyone says about God, you can count on someone else to look for and find contradictions and exceptions. I do like the freshness of this entry. One can almost feel the soul and the universe blending with one another amidst a deafening silence of a breath held long enough to see God.

My Short List of dislikes;

1. Fake people: Those who talk with fake voices (you find this in women more than men), or portray themselves to be more than they are.

2. Rich People With Attitudes; who want snappy service, belittle clerks, and employees.

3. Listening to someone saying the same thing twice. My life is too precious to listen to anything twice, I can understand it the first time it's told to me.

4. Men who are want to be treated like a baby; I'm not your Mom, I am not going to make certain your clothing is laid out, and schedule your appointments, and if you need more bathroom time than I do--there is a problem!

when its cold out i want it to be hot and when its hot i wish it was cold

i hate olives too. capri's on guys are a little gay.

you dont like kissing? thats weird. well i guess it depends how good of kisser the other person is.

#13 i 100% agree.

dude my brother is one yr younger than me to! and i agree haha.

18 = yup.

& #19 but i do that alot anyway.

oh, i kinda live under my spotlight.

xoxonick

 yeah there is something in our lives which I call fortune which protects us from harsher fates

(and deals others worse fates albeit we perceive them without 'sin')

 I believe hell is a transient state of present life that our causes make.

 thanks for the comment

 I find the pic funny also, especially knowing my friend as I do!!!

I think jealousy and envy are not necessarily bad because they help us determine what we really want in life. You still have your dreams for a career in entertainment, but your other commitments and opportunitys are in different directions. You feel pulled and conflicted. That's natural.

When you see someone who has both reached some of the goals you'd like to aim for but can't and who hasn't (perhaps) had to deal with your competing priorities, you ache inside. Most of us would.

Life is complex though--which although sometimes is a disadvantage, at other times is an advantage. Many of the things we want in the way of lifestyle, material goods, and success opportunities are actually symbolically reflective of feelings we would like to have fulfilled at a deeper level.

What does a career in entertainment mean to you?

Some of my guesses would be--

• Attention
• A sense of being loved and appreciated
• An opportunity to have your intelligence and creativity recognized and validated
• An opportunity to do work that you love to do
• The opportunity to find "Truth" and "Beauty" through performance
• An opportunity to earn a living and more through your own abilities
• A sense that you are bringing joy to others

These are natural things to want for yourself. The trade-off would be

• The opportunity to feel your competence validated by your performance in management
• The love and attention you receive in family relationships with Kayden, NeeNee and Phi
• The opportunity to earn a living through your increased competence in management and in the businsss world
• The satisfaction of knowing that those you love are better off and safer and more secure because you are there for them

My thought feels incomplete, but I'm falling asleep as I type and have to stop. Again with jmf1968 watching over you, I feel secure that you are getting the positive encouragement you need. You have a lot of friends here who care about youddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

I fell nodded off for a moment and when I opened my eyes all I could see were the d's. Enough!

the only option i have is to deal with it or get out. but i can't get out until i have somewhere for me and my boys to go and with him not working and me supporting everybody i can't save the money i need to get my own place for me and my boys..so i deal with it and cry and wish i had another option..can't find one though unless i just move in with family and i'm 33 yrs old with two children, i refuse to do that..

Hey you ....thanks so much for the info. I will give it a shot. The ideas were going through my mind last night. I really wanted to share her memories with you all here. Thank you again!!

You are a blessing to Kayden and to Phi. I'm glad Kayden is safe for the moment and it's wonderful that Phi is starting to open up to you to reveal her pain by talking about her grief and fear with you. You are such a good person--a real treasure! 

I'm truly sorry that your choices for childcare are so limited. Dinky lacks maturity, has poor judgment, and lacks people skills. This is not a judgment against her as a person--just a statement that she hasn't yet learned what she needs to know to survive. You need to at least find someone who understands that while they are babysitting, they and Kayden will need to stay indoors. I don't know if that's possible.  If ice cream is part of your plan or Phi's plan, it needs to be in the freezer in advance. Is there any subsidized neighborhood childcare facility that is sponsored by the community that would be affordable? Of course that's no assurance that Kayden would be safe in such a situation. The best thing would be if Phi worked days and you got the night job so that one of you could always be home with Kayden. You are in a parental role by default.

God does seem to be operating in your life. God probably operates similarly in everyone's life, but you're particularly tuned in to God's power in your life.

I will say to you what my mother recently said to me: Just keep on doing what you're doing.

First of all....thank you for your comment, it really touched me..you truly are special ((hugs))

Now, for this entry...YOU MY FRIEND are a true angel, who saved your nephew from something horrific that could've happened to him. I have never in my life read something so powerful...it truly gave me chills to think of what could've happened and didn't because of YOU. There is a great plan for you, you have such wisdom and such a powerful character. I wish that I could meet you, but you never know...maybe I did and didn't know it. No, I'm not a stalker  and I don't know who you are on the outside, but on the inside..I know that you are wonderous. Yes, I agree...that baby (Kayden) needs to be somewhere else, somewhere safe and I'm hoping so much that Phi can get them out of that place and you as well....I want you to be safe.

Now, for you little commenter.....I LOVE the comments you've sent to "it". They absolutely haven't the slightest idea what they're talking about  and to top it off...haven't the slightest clue WHO they're talking to!!  You're awesome, the way you're handling it.

Well, take care and I love hearing from you as well.

Thank you for passing by. Yes, those are my pic with my hubby.  

You have both my good wishes and my prayers.

What would your hours be and how would working the night shift affect your lifestyle? Would you and Phi both be working nights?

I do hope you get that position...I think you'd do great at it. Keep me posted

Your reply to starterofwars was hilarious , it's great that you didn't let her/his/it's comment get to you!!

I've gotten caught up a bit, haven't had time to get online for a while. Your story about Kayden cracked me up...too funny . Now, on to your most recent entry...I'm very sorry, no one should ever be treated like that by anyone. I'm very proud of you for taking a stand and not letting that guy take advantage of you. I hope that you are doing well and hope to hear from you.

Everyone probably has one of these stories, but I have to share mine.  My mom is the stereotypical Sunday School teacher.  Sweet, nice, very naive.   After my divorce, my mom, my current wife (then my girlfriend) and my daughter all went to McDonald's for breakfast.  Keep in mind, I rarely swear at all, so controlling it in front of my daughter has always been easy for me.  Not so for my ex.  So the three of them get the food and head back to the table.  My daughter, not quite three, takes one look at her breakfast and says in that every so sweet, very reasonable, 3 year old voice.  "This is all f***ed up."  My wife thought my mom was going to have a stroke.  It's funny to me now (and I thought it was funny the first time I heard it) but it is just now to the point to where it's funny to my wife and my mom.

coment any of my entrys

[roidman8]

When about 27 years ago my wife, our then three-year-old son, and I stopped at a store for about 15 minutes and when we came out our Volkswagen Rabbit would not start due to characteristic vapor lock caused by the design and placement of the fuel intake. This event required that the car engine and fuel lines cool down which required waiting for quite a while.

After we had sat on that hot parking lot for 10 minutes, I tried to start it, but to no avail. I said "Oh, hell!"

Ten minutes later I tried again, still with no success. My wife said "Oh, hell!"

Another ten minutes and I futilely tried again. This time it was our son who said "Oh, hell!"

My wife and I looked at each other. I turned around to the back seat and asked my son, "____, do you know what 'Oh, hell!' means to which he replied "Oh, hell means the car won't start."

As for Kayden, he's pretty mobile and pretty curious and very much attached to you. Do you have a lock on your door to avoid his walking in on you at an inopportune time?

Secondly, if you can hear Kayden outside the door, he can hear you inside the door. Are you comfortable with that? Chidlren sometimes misinterpret the sound of passion as the sound of violence. Is Kayden confused by what he hears and sees to the point of having fear or anxiety associated with what is going on?

Thirdly, what kind of tone did Chris use with Kayden? Did it sound like teasing or some sort of a threat or dare? Was he being authoritarian in a way that should have been reserved for Phi or you? Was his tone one that you yourself would have used or was it out of context with what Kayden might have expected or understood? Since Kayden was meeting Chris for the first time, there wasn't sufficient trust established between them for Chris as a stranger to appear authoritative to Kayden in his own home. 

Drinking around Kayden may be okay if the adults involved remain sober enough to display that they are in control and responsible for their actions. But if alcohol presents an image to Kayden that is beyond his understanding, he may need help with that and you may need to see that you and your friends tone it down when he is present.

Also Kayden apparently had some resentment toward Chris as evidenced by his name calling, perhaps out of jealousy for your attention and your apparent attitude of intimacy and privacy in which you included Chris but excluded Kayden. To what extent has Kayden learned to recognize, understand, and accept boundaries at this point?

When Kayden and/or NeeNee are around, they should be your first consideration. Children are resilient, but they are also delicate. They pick up on everything they hear and see. The example you set for Kayden now will shape his entire life. Same is true with the level of emotional stability you provide for him. In his presence you have to be in some ways as much as possible the person you want him to be.

[NightListener]

In my entries when i laugh it ussualy means im hiding something, or im nervous, or sumthing like that, so i guess its bad. Its the same in real life situations...i didnt actually notice till then either...

And arent kids awesome, no matter what they do there just cute lol

[Cloud819]

I don't think of being a realist as not dreaming so much as not turning one's back on reality to the detriment of one's life and the lives of those around us.

An issue you seem to be addressing here without putting on it the name I would put on it is MUTUALITY. There are always gaps in mutuality in committed relationships, but we have to work try to even things out on our side of the equation as best we can in order to maintain a sense of balance. In order for us to maintain a sense of appreciation for the other person, they as well have to work to even the equation to whatever extent they can. This is why you must consider your REAL needs when forming friendships and more intimate relationships. If you settle for less than mutuality of some sort--and it's sometimes a strange trade-off that makes sense only to you--you sell yourself short, and that can be damaging to one's self-esteem.

jmf1968 (Isn't it great to have him and his outlook and his insights as part of our network of experiences!) makes some excellent points in expressing concern for your well being.

It is a joy to be desired based on one's beauty, but in the long run it's not enough. What we each deserve is someone who is tuned in to most, if not all, of our good quailties, of our strengths, of our talents, and who can recognize what we have to offer and make us even better in offering it through their reinforcement of the best in us through their show of appreciation and sincere effort and commitment to do a share significant enough in the relationship that it reflects back to us that what we contribute is of value to them.

A lot of people may walk past you down the street and think you're attractive without necessarily feeling the need to fall into sexual activity with you. These are the people who require more of a relationship that surface beauty--not that they don't seek surface beauty as well. So why sell yourself to someone just because you appreciate their beauty and they, yours when there are so many dimensions IN ADDITION TO BEAUTY to consider. You need a finer screening tool. The one you are using is too quick to respond and is limited to a narrow range of perceptions--not that that doesn't serve a purpose, but if you want what you want for the longterm, you have to think beyond the short term, especially when your sensing device seems to wind up in the longterm mode for the short term.

If you understood what I just said, it shows you're thinking with more than your penis.

In rereading what I wrote to you, I'd suggest that before a car, you need a safer place to live. Where you live now, you are as likely to be shot in a car as on the street or even in your apartment. Start familiarizing yourself now with apartments in safer areas even if the rents are beyond what you and Phi can currently afford because as you start thinking ahead, you will start visualizing new options and you'll find solutions to take you where you want to go. If you are staying in a comfort zone that is not really comfortable but represents comfort because it's what you've known, force yourself out of your comfort zone.

Start looking around too for role models who have the knowledge and skills you'd like to have. You spend a lot of time and energy interacting with people who can offer only what you already know and expect. Believe me when I tell you that you deserve better. YOU DO!

Now that you're starting to socialize in a few non-sexual ways with people from work, maybe you can wrangle an invitation to stop by and see their apartments if they are in areas with which you are not yet familiar. Also you can contact rental agents and check ads to be shown apartments even if you are not ready to move. Starting to look now will make you familiar with rental rates and probably open your eyes to apartments that you might be able to afford that you might not think you can.

If you find a place you like, you might even be motivated to spend less money on alcohol in order to budget money for what you want. I'm not saying you spend that much on alcohol, and I'm not against drinking, but lately I'm reading that alcohol does destroy brain cells and can cause permanent memory loss down the road. I've cut down on my already only occasional drinking although I will admit I had a Bailey's with coffee and cream on the plane last week. Still I have half a bottle of Long Island Iced Tea from last summer and a full bottle of prepared Margarita that we bought this 4th of July when we bought another bottle to take as a gift for friends who were having us over that afternoon. So where's my extra money? I don't know. I think I spent it on beans at Wal-Mart.

Feel free to love my mother. If she had half a mind, I'd tell her about you, and she'd love you too.

You should tell someone how you feel. Like a familey member or a friend. You can't keep letting this stuff happen. And you for sure need to call the police.

I've heard the people are either born compassionate or not. You were. Knowing you, given the options, you would want to have compassion, because even though it causes you pain, it also give your life a depth and richness of texture. As powerful and taxing and disturbing as these experiences are, they also motivate one to keep working in a positive direction. There really is no place in the world immune from danger and violation, but when we look around we see some people more prone to violence than others. To the extent that we have control, we need to screen out those who are abusive, aggressive, selfish, criminal, and dangerous. On your list of things you want for yourself you might consider placing a car when you can afford one with it's associated expenses so that you won't have to be so vulnerable. The car may be remote at the moment, but the management training is not, and it could lead to increased income for you. When you prioritize your goals, consider safety when determining your options. Of course living on the edge has its value and benefits as well--if you survive to reap those benefits as for example through your acting and your writing. Still it's important to approach whatever your goals are with a realistic outlook. That doesn't mean that your dreams are not realistic--only that if you want to keep them alive, be sure to keep them on the radar and keep taking actions that move you in a direction you want to go. Your writing in your diary continues to be an action in the right direction and counts for a lot. 

Hey Prosper!

I don't really know enough about autism to have my own definition. I could Google "autism" and cut and paste something here as an answer to your question, but that wouldn't be MY definition and you could do as well or better yourself. In "Rain Man" I believe it was stated that the Dustin Hoffman character was autistic and had the savant syndrome (one condition doesn't actually confirm the presence of the other from what I've read), but I could be wrong. But what I said presupposed that Hoffman's character was autistic..

Thanks

For someone who didn't have much to add, I certainly did go on!

Between what you've said and what jmf1968 has said, I don't have much to add. Your thoughts certainly do seem to be on the right track.

You appear to be clearheaded about your feelings and reactions to the world around you and to your life in the context in which you live it. You understand your motivations and you recognize your needs.

The equation has become more rounded as a result of your having Kayden and NeeNee in your life despite your sadness at seeing NeeNee having to live away from Phi for her own good. Kayden's innocence puts you in touch with yours. Despite all you've been through, you've managed to maintain many aspects of your own innocence, of which you are aware and of which you remain somewhat protective.

And the promise at your job of opportunity to grow and learn has afforded you some experiences of which you've been deprived up until now by circumstances in your life beyond your control. Adversity destroys some people and strengthens others. You have worked to gather strength through it all.

Your diary is definitely one of many saving graces in your life. For someone who likes to feel validated by others (don't most of us?), writing at MDD gives a number of us the validation we long for at a level close to who we are deep inside. Your inner beauty shines through here and draws people to you to allow you to both nurture and be nurtured. You have a great ability to nurture others. As a recipient of your nurturing, I can say you add a great deal to my life in terms of caring, validation, and inspiration. Your writing keeps you in touch with who you are and who you want to be. The more you write the more clear your vision becomes of how you want to live your life. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan might benefit from reading your diary as might their parents.

Being physically attractive to the point of drawing to oneself many people with sexual intentions of their own makes life difficult with the choices it offers. It is difficult to say no to experiences that parallel fantasy when they are being thrust one's way (no pun intended). It becomes less difficult to screen out unhealthy opportunities as one's vision and sense of purpose becomes more clear. As one starts to make the most of the healthy opportunities as they are offered, one start to value oneself with more conviction and to be more self-protective in order not to throw away what one has a sense of building and creating in one's life.

After I first wrote the preceding paragraph, I went through it and changed the word "you" to "one" because in my mind I was writing about YOU, but then I thought it was pretty arrogant of me to suggest that I know what you may be feeling at any given moment. I'm guessing. I'm hoping. I'm believeing. But how you actually feel belongs to you.

There will always be fantasy in life, particularly at night. The important thing though is to know when to act it out and when not to in order to wake up in the morning looking forward to today, without inhibiting factors imposed by  people who don't understand or care about your vision for yourself and by allergies to furry pets sleeping at your feet by default. You have much in who you are worth protecting and preserving.

Sometimes I think it would be a good idea if for a brief period we carried ourselves around like one of those eggs used in classes to teach teenagers some of the responsibilities associated with childcare. We wouldn't want to become overprotective to the point of isolating ourselves from life, but we would be more aware that we owe it to ourself to make choices we can not only live with but thrive on. I love that you love how good you felt being in a class where you were both learning and able to present yourself in a way that validated your intelligence and common sense. You need more experiences like that in your life because that person you liked so much that day was you--and a very real, healthy you.

haha wow didn't know that, well i knew some words change like, you type c. ock and it changes to rooster.. like rooster lol

thanks for telling

I agree with Cloud819 to some extent. I think of it in terms of the flight attendants telling adults to put their oxygen masks on before attempting to help their child.

And yes, I do think you have a responsibility to Kayden. But I don't know how you can protect him if Phi is working against you in your attempt to make ends meet. There need to be ground rules discussed between you and Phi. Also since she has not lived up to your expectations regarding behaving responsibly with your money as well as with her own, you need to take charge so long as the two of you are trying to work things out between you. You seem to be the more trustworthy of the two of you. Therefore, you need to be the one collecting the money from Phi on a schedule that forces her to put family welfare as the highest priority. You should not be handing money to her and expecting her to do what she should with it if she hasn't earned your trust in that regard. And you can't pretend that you trust her to be responsible if you don't. For you that's not taking responsibility for how you yourself feel about the situation.

Even though Phi's name is on the lease, you probably need to be the one to pay the rent by check or some other documented means and you need to get a receipt for payment each time. That's hard because you have to be at work probably when the management office is open. But you need to consider what is possible. You need to make sure Phi gives you a percentage of the rent money she owes each payday and you need to put it in your checking account where it will be safe. I sense you are not apt to spend rent money on clubbing or boozing. As for sexing, your main expenses there seem to be for condoms and medical bills. You need to decide what you can afford with regard to side effects of random sex.

You need to consider what effect your pulling out of the situation altogether will have on Kayden and what you can do to mitigate the circumstances for him. You also need to consider how hellish his life may become without your protection.

I'm not sure financially how independent you actually are either. In some ways I sense you are dependent on Phi as she is dependent on you--only she's not dependable. What are you capable of affording on your own without Phi's partnership in housing?

If and when you do decide to discuss these issues with Phi, you have to be pretty clear with yourself in advance as to what you want to say. You also have to be very calm and patient about listening to her--calmly hearing her out--even if you are incredulous, infuriated, insulted, offended, hopeless and whatever when you hear what she has to say. You need to go into the discussions with the idea that you will not let yourself react rashly and with fury no matter what she says. You must remain calm. You must also remember her main points (even if you have to write them down on paper as she speaks) so that you can hold her accountable. If she says anything you think she will later twist or deny, you might write what you think she said on an index card and have her first confirm that what you wrote is what she meant, and then have her sign or initial it and write down that day's date and time that it was said or signed.

If she disagrees with what you wrote down for what she said, have her rephrase it or rewrite it herself so that it reflects whatever attitudes she will admit to.

Don't promise her anything you are certain you would fulfill because if there is a discrepancy between what you say and what you do, Phi will use that discrepancy as a tool against you in future attempts to resolve issues through discussion.

If Phi acts like a child instead of as an adult, although you can't treat her as a child, you may not be able to treat her as an adult either. 

I'm tired. I can't figure out what X is in this equation at the moment. But these thoughts are the beginnng of my discussion with you on this topic.

Haha you had a hot diary? what happened to it?
lol i heard they delete the entries, but anything more? haha

you need to take care of yourself before other people, because if u dont take care of urself, then u can help other people. As in lets use a math analogy, u get 10 points a day and u need 6 points for yourself and u give 4 to help other people. If you start giving more then 4 then u start using up the points to take care of yourself, eventually ull have no points for yourself and can give point to other people to help out....well, that made sence in my head as i was thinking it, dunno how it turned out in words lol

i agree with the maths 2, how the hell can u multiply a f***ing letter?!

Also RYN, yeh, the duct things came out due to "This pedal box is goin in weather it wants to or not"  it made me angry enough to take em out, i also didnt think there way anyother way.. weight reduction lol   And yeh, i get angry and i take it out on myself. It goes Frustration, anger, depression. I always said i was on a one way ride to destruction

So why dont you want to give him your heart??

Thanx for the comment, i needed a bit of support that night

Rumors suck, no two ways about it (unless I could get someone to start a rumor at work that I have a 10" penis). 

Of course employment laws tend to favor the employers, who do you think has the better lawyers and the better lobbyists?  But there really are a lot of laws out there that protect the average Joe like me or you.

Poker is the best strategy game ever.  You have to play the cards, the odds, luck and your opponent all at the same time.  Smart people usually love it once they get into it, and the best players are usually the smart people (there is one guy on the pro poker circuit who graduated from MIT at 16).  You might like it!

It's nice to see you in a situation where you really appear to care about the person you're with. Why? Because regardless of whatever emotional risk is involved, there's some chance for genuine happiness through caring.

The joys of youth! Dove soap? I use Target liquid soap and still I smell like an old fart. And to maintain statistics I had to switch from inches to centimeters to get a reading.

Regarding your supply of you-know-what, one is not enough. I'd suggest you save up to buy 2 boxes for your bag, and each time you empty one box, replace it with a new full box. If you might run out, don't rush in. Indiscretion is the better part of squalor.

Meanwhile, "gather ye rosebuds while ye may"
--but don't risk a condition that won't go away.

The answer to your question as to whether I speak with a French accent is "Oo-ey, oo-ey, moan-sewer."

I understand completely why you thought maybe I was French and am amused by the confusion that I created.

At least you didn't ask me whether I speak French or Greek. LOL

"needed" below should be "needn't"--I seem to be writing today as if my sinuses were stuffed up, which they aren't. Maybe I have mucous on the brain.

I hope you enjoy your management law orientation. Every employer needs to be familiar employment laws to avoid pitfalls that could make them liable for judgement awards against them and every employee needs to be familiar with employment laws to know their rights associated with their job.

France has a set of employment laws that is extremely favorable to the workers--it's interesting, but I don't want to confuse you by being specific when you're just getting into learning about labor law in Georgia. If you're ever at a point where you are ready to compare and contrast our system with others, this site about French employment law might be a good place to start: http://www.frenchlaw.com/employment_law.htm

Kayden's morning greeting is a sign that you are where you're supposed to be for now. With you in his life, Kayden has a chance for a better life than he would otherwise have. You are an important role model for him and he obviously loves you and trusts you and feels more secure because you are there for him.

There's a lot of crap in life--a lot of dysfunction--and so many plays and films and novels are about dysfunction. You may worry about your art suffering because your focus is divided between your art, your family, and your job, but if you can find ways to make your family and your job functional for you, your success in life will make your art form one of dealing with possibilities that make the world better instead of bemoaning through art all that is wrong with the world. I think one important way to make the world better is to find enough motivation to move through one's own tendencies toward inertia to set an example for those who would seek to accomplish good things in their lives if they only knew how to go about doing so. Ultimately each of us is our own work of art and one needed be on stage, in concert, exhibited, published, filmed, or photographed to live life as an artform.

Managing people in an office can be as artistic as directing actors in a play once one learns how to model and shape behaviors that rely on clarified motivation, a working knowledege of group dynamics, and a meaningful vision of purpose that unites a work group for a common set of goals. Add in skills in compassion, flexibility, assertiveness, organization, reinforcement through meaningful rewards, and a high level of competence in the job skills required, and you wind up with a top manager who helps his department to achieve and his company to grow.

I wish you the best with the class...you will do well I'm sure of it. I loved how you wrote about Kayden, how he brightened your day .

RYC: The theme park we went to is called Holiday World/Splashin' Safari. It's really a nice place, and easy on the wallet when it comes to taking the kids. They have free drinks and the admission isn't so bad because you get both parks for the price of one. Pretty good deal even if you have to pay for the food. And there are TONS of different foods to eat there. I'm glad you had a great time...sorry though that people backed out on you. I caught up on your entry just a little bit ago. I'd love to go to Six Flags...that would be awesome. I've always loved theme parks....the roller coasters are my favorite.

And about the contacts.....I've been wearing contacts since I was 15 and yes, it does take a couple of days or so to get used to them. At first, since you're not used to putting anything in your eye...you will want to blink everytime  your finger gets near your eye, but that just takes time. For the first few times that you put them in, it's best to hold your eye open with your fingers with your contact on your first finger...of which ever hand you're using. They don't hurt, but the first time you wear them...they might feel a little scratchy, not bad though. My son has done great with his. And he was the guy who couldn't stand for me to put eye drops in his eyes. After the first week,  you'll be a pro and love them. I'm going to go back to my entry to see if I've missed any of your questions. And, don't worry about asking questions...it's great that you do

Rebounding exercises on a mini-trampoline helps to improve circulation and recharge the energy field that surrounds each of us. I've read that the moment that recharge takes place is at the height of the bounce--that zero gravity moment of weightlessness separating ascent from descent. I'm guessing that's part of the advantage of amusement park rides as well. However, I'm with you in feeling that if I yawn too wide, my heart will escape my body. I admire your perseverance in grabbing all the gusto you could get. I dread rides where my feet dangle and the cold air jet streams over my bald head which makes me feel entirely vulnerable. Baseball caps don't help where they're likely to blow off. Maybe a knit cap would work better.

When you mentioned in the previous entry that you hadn't had people purchase tickets in advance, I saw a red flag. First of all, for single ticket purchases, there usually are discounts available on tickets purchased in advance. Secondly the expense of a single ticket is large enough that for people on tight budgets, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the expense at the last moment, especially if one has spent heavily the night or week before. Finally it's easier to arrange a gettogether for co-workers on the way home from work. Once people get home, there's more reluctance to take time from personal lives to be with people we associate with the stress of work. If in the future you plan an activity that requires advance payment, don't put your own money out for others with the idea that they'll pay you back. There's always one or more person who will drop out of the activity and fail to reimburse the person who made advance payment. Are you able to seek assistance from the hotel concierge in finding the best deals?

You were lucky Steve was already at the park when you reached him as you had a good time and as jmf1968 said below, Steve is the one who should be rewarded with your companionship just for showing up.

[NightListener]

I do have a fear of people standing me up, which is y i never organise anything...my 21st is next year and im already trying to make excuses as to y i dont wanna throw a party.

We dont have amusement parks like that were i live, i only live in a city of about 1.5million

sometimes things dont go as planned, but there always next time.

If I were you, I'd probably feel as you do about white people. As it is, I'm me and Jewish, and I have to admit I kind of feel that way about Christian missionaries who come to my door to spread the Gospel according to them. First of all there was enough "Convert or Die!" in the history of Christianity to taint in my mind the purest of intentions. And secondly this is my home. Don't come here expecting me to discuss my personal feelings about anything unless I know you and you've been invited. How do I know you're not some criminal element casing the neighborhood for future burglaries or worse? I have a "No Solicitation" sign on my door. That should be enough to tell you I don't want to be bothered. Ironically I love to attend services particularly at two churches, one Catholic and one Lutheran. But when I go there, I feel like it's my choice to go there and seek a sense of fellowship and to recharge my spiritual link to God. At one time I used to invite people in to listen to what they had to say, but they didn't seem to want to listen to my thoughts when expressed respectfully. It wasn't on their agenda. When I was growing up, Jews didn't proselytize. Maybe they do or don't now. I'm out of touch. But I grew up with the attitude that one minded one's own business about religion unless someone put it out in the public arena. Oh, hell! I'm as crazy as you are. Maybe crazier.

Meanwhile you must be good at your job to be able to keep it while balancing the sexual interactions that grow out of it. I've always worked in corporatations or school districts  where even the appearance of sexual relationships between co-workers is considered cause for firing. Sure, people do it anyway, but at least they try to keep it a secret. Doing it with your supervisor is pretty much out there. I guess though that you have as much on him as he has on you in that regard, so that there's a check and balance working. My sexual attitudes have developed very differently from yours. It's easy for me to slip into a mindset that is cautious and focued on consequences, but I have to admit that sometimes I find your freedom in thinking about your sexualty to be refreshing and exotically intriguing.

Do be gentle and direct with the 17-year-old about exactly how you feel about relationships--about the degree to which you want sex without ties. He probably won't understand what that means until he gets involved with someone who treats him casually sexually, but I don't see you as being that person. We all need to start our sexual interrelating somewhere. Still it strikes me as cruel to knowing take on someone inexperienced you know, or should know from your own experience, that you're going to throw back in the water when you tire of him. I don't think you're capable of that kind of cruelty.

Hope you don't think I think of you as my "house Negro" as you call it. I sort of have the sense that you're the one who adopted me when you started leaving comments in my diary that you felt my ability to read between the lines of what you wrote was perceptive. Of course I've run away with that compliment and now your diary is overrun with my comments. I'm sure sometimes you must feel I'm as intrusive as a missionary at your front door.

I don't feel that you're a racist--just a realist. You'd be foolish to disregard your experiences in seeking to understand the dynamics of society in order to survive. Your perceptions are valid. The problem with valid perceptions when generalized is that they don't always apply. Still they sometimes do. How does one tell the difference. I don't know. I suspect there are leaps of faith involved, and that some leaps of faith pay off and others don't. I guess what I understand is the craziness that grows out of that uncertainty. It makes life interesting, but sometimes disappointing or even dangerous. But sometimes warmly wonderful too. Somehow trusting others seems to work best when one is alredy having an exceptionally good day.

Enjoy Six Flags or whatever amusement/water park you'll be visiting. Hope you have a good turnout.